Come on motivation, don't fail me now!

Well, we started another competition at work last week... Same idea as before. For every pound we lose, we put $1 in the pot, as well as another $1 if we don't work out at least 3 times each week. Our weigh in is tomorrow, and for the first time I'm not looking forward to it. Not that I think I gained, I'm fairly certain I'm down, but not as much as I could have been.

Ever since I took a "leave of absense" from the gym I am having a really hard time finding that motivation again :(. When I first got my wisdom teeth out all I thought was "I can't wait to get back to the gym, I miss running!" And now that it's been like 3 weeks of laziness all I can think is "ugh, I can't bring myself to get there!"

I kind of feel like I'm starting from scratch again, although I am still losing weight. I just don't feel as good as I did when I was losing the weight AND working out.

So... Somehow I've got to regain my momentum... I still have a long way to go to reach my goal weight. I know I'll get there, it's only a matter of time, but it would be awesome to reach it by my goal date, which is graduation next year (mid-May).

Any tips, anyone? I'm just finding that my perseverance is waning in that area...

I'll post more soon, after my weigh in tomorrow!

Don't worry... No news is good news!

Wow... I knew I was behind in regards to posting on here but I guess I didn't realize how long it had really been!! Sorry, folks!

However, the lack of posts does not mean I'm not doing well :). In fact, things have been good! Last Wednesday, the 12th, I weighed in and passed the contest goal of 20 lbs... I had lost another 3.2 which put me over the 20 lb mark by .2 lbs... I won the money pot!! :). I have lost nearly 40 lbs now since having my daughter in May!!

I took the money that I won (for those of you that don't remember, a few of us at work were competing to lose 20 lbs, and putting money in a pot), and went straight to a masseuse. I spent it on a wonderful full body massage! And while I would normally never spend money on that, I have to say, it felt great! Not only the massage, but knowing how hard I worked for that money that paid for that massage made it feel even more incredible!

However, I HAVE been slacking, in a sense... I had my wisdom teeth out 3 weeks ago, then shortly after that another one of my teeth abscessed so I also ended up having a root canal... Needless to say, my workouts have come to an abrupt halt. Also, my left knee has really been bothering me... BUT I'm headed back to the gym today... Just praying my knee will hold out! It's been way too long... 3 whole weeks since I've worked out! :(

Also, we've started another contest at work, with a few others that wanted to join but missed the first one, so I need to get my ass back in gear! :)

Thanks for being patient with me in this journey... I'll try to get better at keeping you all updated...can't believe I'm over 1/3 towards my goal....woooooohooooo!!! Skinny Chelsea, here I come :)

Weigh-In #6

Ahg! I'm getting behind on this blog! Sorry folks...between family, work, school, and tons of homework this has unfortuantely taken the back burner lately.

So I had another weight-in last Wednesday (almost a week ago already). I was down 1.2 pounds which brings my total to 18 pounds. I have just about hit the first goal, which is 20 pounds...woohooo!!

Now, on the other hand...this week has been rough! I got my wisdom teeth pulled last Friday, and while I'm not able to really eat a whole lot, I am also not feeling up to working out.

So needless to say, I think this week's weigh-in is going to be a doozy! Between all my fluid retention (being that chicken noodle soup is about my diet this week), and not getting to the gym, I don't think I'll make it to my 20 pound mark this week :( 

I know, I know...excuses excuses, right?? Right! You're absolutely right! I should have easily been able to lose 2 more pounds this week, but I'm thinking that I probably won't have lost them by Wednesday morning.

However...this won't stop me, or even slow me down... once my mouth is on the mend, it's back to the gym for me!

I'll check in with you soon, and thanks for reading!

25%

So I started this weight loss competition 5 weeks ago with a few other girls I work with. At weigh-in today I was down 3 more pounds, for a total of 16.8! Only 3.2 more pounds and I'll hopefully win the money pot! :)

BUT, my journey definitely does not end there! I have a long way to go, but I'm making progress... After today's weigh-in I have officially lost 25% of my total weight that I intend to lose... In fact, I'm a little over 25% :).

I'm actually going by my start weight (after I had my baby in May, I started losing weight, prior to starting the competition).

I am on my way, slow and steady. Although this has definitely NOT been easy, it's also not been quite as difficult as I imagined it would be. With the encouragement from others along with my weekly progress on the scale, it is getting easier and easier to turn down temptation!

Yes, things still look diabolically delicious :). Yes, I still fight cravings, yes it's still hard to get up early every morning and hit the gym, BUT I'm doing it, thanks to everyone's support, and a little determination!

It's exciting! Not only because I am seeing the scale consistently move, but because I am hitting small goals along the way... This is the "thinnest" I have been in nearly 5 years!! And my clothes are starting to feel pretty loose, even fresh out of the dryer!! :)

I know this sounds cliche, but trust me... If I can do it, YOU can do it!! No one knows quite how incredibly strong my food addiction was, but I am overcoming it, one day at a time.

Thanks again, everyone, for your incredible support and positive feedback!

Weigh-In #5

I'm a few days late in posting this, seeing as my weigh-in days are on Wednesday, but life is busy!!

Anyway, I weighed in Wednesday morning and I was down another 3.6 lbs.... that makes for a total of 13.8 lbs so far!! I wish it was more, but hey... it's a good start, and supposedly a "healthy pace" to be losing the weight.

So this last week has been really challenging, but in a good way. The eating and working out has been going great, but I really wanted to figure out a good routine...switch things up, so to speak. I kind of got in a routine of doing the same exact thing every time I go to the gym. I'm guessing that's part of the reason why I had a plateau of no weight loss last week.

One of my ultimate goals is to run a marathon with my sister next June, since I should be at my goal weight by then. So I figured I would start my training now. I'm using a running guide that I found on the internet... first you train for a 5K, then 10K, then 1/2 marathon, etc.

I've been running quite a bit on the treadmill anyway, so hopefully the transition will be relatively easy. I started it last night...we'll see how it goes! :)

Either way, I am back in the swing of things...the weight is coming off again, and my strength is renewed.

Insanity

It has been a looooong week! First of all, I never posted my last weigh in. I didn't lose any weight, but I also didn't gain any.

Still... It was very discouraging to work so hard and not see results! In the past, typically I would have gone on a binge... Stuffed myself until I was sick. Believe me, I wanted to! But I also knew that if I did, not only would I regret it, I would also have that much more weight to lose!

For those of you who have struggled/are struggling with your weight, you can maybe relate to what I'm about to write. If you haven't, then you will think I'm crazy, and will understand why I titled this post the way I did.

Last night was probably the worst night yet! I was so incredibly frustrated with not losing any weight! I was so angry that I have to work out everyday and watch what I eat, while everyone around me was eating whatever they wanted! I wanted to eat everything in sight! I knew there were cookies on the table, chips in the cupboard, pizza in the freezer, etc, and I wanted it... ALL of it! I wanted to stuff my face! I thought "you know what? Screw this!! I'm working too hard and not seeing results... Why the hell am I doing this??"

I was absolutely having a moment of insanity! It took everything in me to not eat it... I knew that if I took even one bite, I would binge! I would take one nibble, and I would not stop until the pizza, chips, cookies, and whatever else I could find were GONE!

I literally battled my thoughts for about 4 hours until I couldn't take it anymore... I had to leave! I got in my car and drove away... Away from the food... Away from the temptation to overeat... Away from the regret I knew binging would bring me.

So when I woke up this morning, I thought "okay, it's a new day... Start fresh"... And guess what?? When I got on the scale, I had lost more weight!!!

Now most of you know I believe in God... With my whole heart. And I honestly feel like He is trying to set me free from my addiction to food... My constant battle of insanity. And to me, it felt like this whole last week, especially last night, was a test of my will. A test to see if I could overcome... And because I DID overcome, I was rewarded by a much needed weight change on the scale!

I was amazed at how I instantly felt better! I feel back in the swing of things... My will and drive are renewed and I am ready to fight again!

This insanity will not win... I am stronger than it! I'm sure there are more days/weeks like that to come, but I'm praying they will only become easier and easier to get through!

Bad day...

Well... I knew there would be good days and bad days...and this was a bad one. Thankfully the past 3 weeks have gone incredibly well, but for some reason I blew it today.

I ate like a pig! Well... At dinner anyway. And I forgot how awful it feels to overstuff myself :(. I'm under a lot of pressure with school, and I let it get the best of me today.

BUT... Tomorrow's a new day. Rather than giving up and throwing away all my progress, I just have to jump back on the wagon! I know this lifestyle change is going to take a while to really be ingrained in me, so I have to remember that even if I fail one day, does NOT give me a right or reason to go off the deep end!

So.... Chelsea... I forgive you... Now get your shit together and start fresh in the morning! :)

Rewards

Since I seem to be in somewhat of a slow spot, I decided to start thinking about ways to reward myself for losing weight... Things to give me incentive to keep on going. I definitely plan on doing something big for my halfway mark, and of course when I reach my goal, but I figured there should be a few things along the way as well :)

So today I splurged and bought my first pair of good running shoes! And I love them! I was sooo excited to use them after work, only to find out that the gym is closed until the 7th for remodeling! It figures... Anyway, instead I did my elliptical at home, then went for a quick run outside. (which, by the way, is NOT as easy as the treadmill!)

Regardless... I'm excited to put some miles on my new shoes :). I have a long ways to go, yet, to reach my goal weight... Even to reach my halfway mark. But with little incentives like this to spur me on, hopefully I'll get there in no time!

Weigh-In #3

Wow... Yesterday simply got away from me... I weigh in every Wednesday morning , and intended on writing about it afterwards, but the day flew by!

So this was my 3 week weigh in, and I am down 2 more pounds... 10.2 overall!! It's a good start... This week was tough... And I was definitely hoping for a larger number than 2, it at least it's still a loss, right?? :)

And so my journey continues... One day at a time... One meal at a time... One step on the treadmill at a time. I will keep on doing my part, and hopefully my body will do IT'S part by melting away! :)

I've been thinking about how to tell everyone how many pounds I have left to lose without giving away my current weight... And I decided that you'll just have to wait! Until I reach my halfway mark, I don't want to discuss my starting weight! LOL. Once I get a good handle on things and have made it halfway to my goal weight then I'll feel more comfortable sharing my start weight... Until then, enjoy the wondering :)

Drained

Well, I didn't make it that "Total Body Burn" class this morning like I was planning. After getting up at 5 am yesterday, working out, going to school, then to work, then home to 3 kids and lots of homework, 5 am came way too early this morning! So I "slept in" til 6 :).

But after school I did go to the gym still, and hit the treadmill so I got my workout in afterall. I have a really busy schedule right now, but I'm trying really hard to maintain consistency with working out... So far so good :)

Tomorrow is weigh-in day... Hoping for more weight loss. This week has been tougher than the past couple, for some reason, but I feel like I stuck to my plan... Let's hope it pays off! I'll post progress tomorrow!

Spinnin'!!

So.... Bright and early this morning I attended my first spin class! You know, the class with a bunch of stationary bikes and an instructor screaming at you until her neck veins bulge :)

I have always wanted to try it but have always felt too fat and too embarrassed. BUT, today I went! And, of course, not only was the class filled with skinny mini's, the instructor informed me I wad sitting next to a "spin veteran".... Duh! Did she think I didn't notice the sculpted Greek god sitting next to me??! :)

Anyhow, the class was an hour long and I only made it halfway... I ended up leaving while everyone else was pedaling their asses off, but rather than feeling like a walk of shame it felt like a walk of pride. I did my best... I got up at 5 am, joined a class full of people who have been doing this for years, and went as long as I could! And the best part was, the instructor followed me out when I left and said "you did great! This is a really intense class and these people have been doing it for a long time... Make sure you come back and keep trying!"

And I will... Hopefully it'll just keep getting easier!

The scale, however, has not been moving quite as much as I'd like it to this week... Weigh-in isn't until Wednesday, so I'm just hoping these next couple days count! I'm eating good, and exercising, so at least I know I'm doing my part!

Tomorrow I'm going to try a class called "Total Body Burn"... Now THAT should be interesting :). I'll let you know how it goes!

One of those days

Well... I knew there would be good days and bad days... And today was good, in the aspect of weight loss. I went to the gym early this morning, had a great work out, and ate really good today.

Kind of a sucky day otherwise. Lots of stressful things going on in life right now... But luckily, so far, I have not been tempted to deal with it by overeating, like I have in the past.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

180

One of the things I have always dealt with is being a people-pleaser. I want everyone else to be happy, even if that means my own unhappiness. Because of that urge to please others I have stifled a lot of things in my life...stuffed those feelings way down deep, with every bite of food.

I have always used their disproval as my excuse to eat... if someone is stupid enough to say "do you really need to eat those chips?", my response would be "your damn right I do...watch me eat the whole bag!" Now, obviously I didn't SAY that, but in my head I was thinking it... you think I can't lose weight, then you're right...and it's your fault I can't because you don't support me!

There has always been and will always be something or someone to blame it on... if I choose to do that. But a wonderful friend of mine had the incite to say "You know what, Chelsea? Show them they're wrong! Piss them off by LOSING weight, not by eating the whole damn bag of chips! Piss them off by going to the gym, when they think you can't do it... use their ignorance to power you on... prove it to them that you CAN do this!" Okay, I paraphrased a little bit, but that was the gist of it (thanks Beth!!!)

So starting today, I have been approaching this in a whole new way... Giving a big fat middle finger, if you will, to all those who have said mean things...to those who I was never good enough for... to those who think I'm a big fat failure and can't do this... go ahead and keep talking shit. It will only make me run faster, push myself, continue on in this fight.

I am doing a 180... no more consoling myself with chips and chocolate...no more telling myself that if 'so and so' would just support me I could do it...it's their fault I'm still fat! I made the chioices that got me to where I am, and now I am making the choice to get back to where I was! I know I can do this... alone if I have to. Thankfully there ARE some wonderful people in my life who ARE encouraging me, and I am so grateful for that. But there will always be "those people"... those who don't believe in me, those who think they're better than me, etc etc. But I don't care...they are not my crutch anymore... I won't give them the satisfaction of seeing me fail for the millionth time.

And on a bonus note... when I was at the gym today, I decided to run on the treadmill (which is not easy when you're fat!! :)  ) and I ran for over 4 minutes straight! I know, I know...to you healthy people that's nothing, but when you have an ass and thighs like mine, it's not easy!! :) And it will only get better... I used to run 4 miles a day, 5 days a week... it felt so GOOD to run today!

I am finding this battle easier and easier... the more I reflect on my reasons for being overweight, the more I realize I hold ALL the power to change it! Thanks for tuning in... more to come tomorrow :)

Weigh In #2

I started a little competition with a few gals from work two weeks ago. Granted, none of them have as much weight to lose as I do, but I figured it would be a great way to jump start my weight loss. We weigh in every Wednesday, and today I was down 5 pounds!!! Combined with my weight loss of 3.2 pounds last week I am at 8.2 pounds total.... Yaaaaaay!!

It feels like I have finally found the strength to do this... I have received incredible feedback and support, and this blog, or journal if you will, has truly felt like a weight loss in its own right.

It has allowed me to channel my thoughts, get things out that I have been holding deep inside, and be honest with myself (and others!)

I have to say, it felt fantastic to see progress on the scale, and I also feel like there is progress on my emotional scale as well... Just praying this strength continues!

Some people...

So, my saga continues... Today I have been thinking about all the people in my life who have hurt me, intentionally or not. Unfortunately I have always cared WAY too much about what people think of me, and I am convinced that this has only played into my struggle with weight and self-esteem. I had a father who was in and out of my life (but whom I now have a wonderful relationship with), boys teasing me in school, "friends" talking about me behind my back, and later in life people who just plain suck.

They are the people who don't believe in me... The few who, although I love dearly, have hurt me the most. I've been told all kinds of things... "No one will ever love you unless you lose weight" (which was hard to swallow at age 11), "You could lose the weight if you really wanted to", "Do you really need to eat that?", "You're going to work out today, right??", etc etc.

And while these things may not seem like much, and perhaps they even said then with good intentions, they hurt like hell! Did these people think I ENJOYED being fat?? That I LIKE feeling out of place and not good enough?? That I deliberately chose to be overweight? For people who have never struggled with weight, the concept of weight loss seems like a no-brainer... Stop eating so much and work out (duh!). But here's a newsflash.... It's not that simple! I can't speak for anyone else but I didn't just wake up one morning and decide to be fat. People that are overweight are that way for a reason... Because they are hurting, trying to fill an endless void in themselves with food.

I don't enjoy being stared at, I don't enjoy being judged, I don't enjoy shopping in the plus size section, I don't enjoy watching from the sidelines while my kids play in the water. But most of all, I don't enjoy being treated like I am less than, because of my size.

I wish people realized what an impact their mindless words have on others... Especially those of us who are insecure, and searching for approval. How dare they cast judgement on someone else, not knowing what that person is going through... If they only knew what overweight people feel like... Not a day goes by that I don't think about my weight... That I don't wish so bad that I was thin... That I don't mourn the loss of myself.

So to "those people".... I don't give a shit what you think. I AM good enough, I AM important, people WILL love me for who I am and not what I look like, I CAN lose the weight... And I don't need any of you telling me otherwise! I'm done with worrying what everyone else thinks... Time to worry about what I think. And I think I can do this...regardless of "some people."

Run fast for your mother....

I have to say, this morning I woke up with such a sense of excitement...exhilaration even, for my day to begin. Over the past few days I have opened myself up to people regarding my weight issues... I was terrified at first. I thought, "okay Chelsea...yes, people know you're fat, but do you really have to talk about it??" And the answer is YES!!
                                                                                                                      
The more my words flow past my lips (or fingertips), the more empowered I feel! I have struggled with this for far too long, and carried the burden of my embarrassment alone. BUT... I can't be ashamed anymore... I won't be... I am genuinely trying to change my life, and getting this shit out is therapeutic! (pardon my language!!)

So, I could not sleep last night, knowing that in the morning (today) I would be headed back to school to finish up my nursing education... I tossed and turned, paced, played Tower of Glass on my phone, then resumed tossing and turning. It was during one particular toss/turn that I decided I would hit the gym first thing in the morning before class. My alarm went off at the ungodly hour of 5:30 am and I rolled myself out of bed, ate a banana and some almonds, chugged some water, and out the door I went.

I went to the Y, and hopped on a treadmill, and the first song on my iPod was "Dog Days Are Over", which I loooove! And I don't know what happened...the part where she says "run fast for your mother, fast for your father, run for your children, for your sisters and brothers..." it was like an anthem in my head. That's what I am doing... I am running (okay, walking fast) for my family...as well as for myself! With each step I took, my determination grew and grew and grew.

Before I knew it, my workout was done, and I waltzed my way back outside listening to "Moves Like Jagger", while my ass bounced behind me, doing it's OWN moves like Jagger :)  But here's the kicker... I didn't care! I didn't care if anyone was gawking at my wobbly bits! I felt great! I got myself there, I endured the workout, and rest assured I will do it again! And again and again (and probably a billion more times).

So, to those of you who are supporting me, encouraging me, spurring me on, giving me tips, loving me despite my flaws, and standing beside me through this... THANK YOU! From the bottom of my heart, your words and actions mean more to me than anything. Thank you for allowing me to open up, and be honest about this.

In the words of Sean Hayes...."Ah yes, this is powerful stuff..."  This blog, this determination I have, this fantastic support, this whole concept of finding myself....this is powerful stuff. And I plan on using it! Thanks again, everyone :)

Day One

Well... Here I am... Laying my cards on the table. I am overweight, which although that is clearly visible, I have never wanted to really discuss with others. Honestly it's because I am ashamed. How in the world did I get here?? Don't get me wrong, I have struggled with weight my whole life... At the tender age of 14 I was a whopping 220 pounds!! But somehow, when I was about 16, the weight just started to peel off. Chalk it up to puberty, or a growth spurt, or being in love.... Whatever it was, I dropped down to a healthy 140 pounds. I knew I looked better, and yes, I felt better... Physically. But emotionally, I was still a mess. While my outward appearance showed a healthy, happy person, my heart was still hurting... I still looked in the mirror and saw that 220 pound teen who hated herself.

I got married at a very young age (17) and was thin at the time, but I never felt like it was enough. There was always someone prettier, thinner, and better than me. The pounds slowly crept back and when I got pregnant with my first child I lost control. I was put on bedrest for a short time and that was all I needed as an excuse to eat like crazy and never move! I gained a ridiculous amount of weight! After I had him, the weight just settled and made it's home.... On my ass! :). The same with the second and third pregnancies.

I have always been an emotional eater, and thankfully my life has been pretty shitty at times so I got to over eat a lot (and yes that's sarcasm). When life got hard, I ate. When I was sad, I ate. When I was pissed off, I ate.... And ate and ate and ate! I liked to blame it on everything and everyone but myself. Both my parents had cancer, my grandfather, uncle, aunt, and two very young cousins died, school was stressful, my husband made me mad, etc etc etc.

But here's the bottom line... This is my fault! I put every bit of food past my lips BY MYSELF! I made poor choices, I lacked in self control, and I lost who I was. The more overweight I got, the worse I felt, and in turn the more hopeless I felt. I thought "there is NO way I will ever lose this weight! I am destined to be fat! How can I possibly get back to that 140??"

But I am done. I am done making excuses. I am done eating my hurts, frustrations, and fears. I cannot live in this big fat shell anymore. You only get one life, and I am determined to make the most of it!!

I want to feel comfortable in my own skin, I want to wear the clothes I like, I want to go to the beach with my kids and be able to wear a swimsuit and actually play in the water with them, I want to walk into a room and not worry that everyone is noticing how fat I am. I want to have energy, and look forward to seeing people, rather than dreading it because I am so much bigger than the last time they saw me.

This is it, folks.... This is my journey to freedom. While being thin and healthy is wonderful and all, I am also hoping to really find myself again. I have felt lost for too long... I want to be me!

So, here I go... I am diving into the unknown... There are sure to be struggles, ups and downs, good days and bad days, but I am hoping and praying that I can finally conquer my deadly relationship with food. I can't live like this any longer... I am ready to fly!