Drained

Well, I didn't make it that "Total Body Burn" class this morning like I was planning. After getting up at 5 am yesterday, working out, going to school, then to work, then home to 3 kids and lots of homework, 5 am came way too early this morning! So I "slept in" til 6 :).

But after school I did go to the gym still, and hit the treadmill so I got my workout in afterall. I have a really busy schedule right now, but I'm trying really hard to maintain consistency with working out... So far so good :)

Tomorrow is weigh-in day... Hoping for more weight loss. This week has been tougher than the past couple, for some reason, but I feel like I stuck to my plan... Let's hope it pays off! I'll post progress tomorrow!

Spinnin'!!

So.... Bright and early this morning I attended my first spin class! You know, the class with a bunch of stationary bikes and an instructor screaming at you until her neck veins bulge :)

I have always wanted to try it but have always felt too fat and too embarrassed. BUT, today I went! And, of course, not only was the class filled with skinny mini's, the instructor informed me I wad sitting next to a "spin veteran".... Duh! Did she think I didn't notice the sculpted Greek god sitting next to me??! :)

Anyhow, the class was an hour long and I only made it halfway... I ended up leaving while everyone else was pedaling their asses off, but rather than feeling like a walk of shame it felt like a walk of pride. I did my best... I got up at 5 am, joined a class full of people who have been doing this for years, and went as long as I could! And the best part was, the instructor followed me out when I left and said "you did great! This is a really intense class and these people have been doing it for a long time... Make sure you come back and keep trying!"

And I will... Hopefully it'll just keep getting easier!

The scale, however, has not been moving quite as much as I'd like it to this week... Weigh-in isn't until Wednesday, so I'm just hoping these next couple days count! I'm eating good, and exercising, so at least I know I'm doing my part!

Tomorrow I'm going to try a class called "Total Body Burn"... Now THAT should be interesting :). I'll let you know how it goes!

One of those days

Well... I knew there would be good days and bad days... And today was good, in the aspect of weight loss. I went to the gym early this morning, had a great work out, and ate really good today.

Kind of a sucky day otherwise. Lots of stressful things going on in life right now... But luckily, so far, I have not been tempted to deal with it by overeating, like I have in the past.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

180

One of the things I have always dealt with is being a people-pleaser. I want everyone else to be happy, even if that means my own unhappiness. Because of that urge to please others I have stifled a lot of things in my life...stuffed those feelings way down deep, with every bite of food.

I have always used their disproval as my excuse to eat... if someone is stupid enough to say "do you really need to eat those chips?", my response would be "your damn right I do...watch me eat the whole bag!" Now, obviously I didn't SAY that, but in my head I was thinking it... you think I can't lose weight, then you're right...and it's your fault I can't because you don't support me!

There has always been and will always be something or someone to blame it on... if I choose to do that. But a wonderful friend of mine had the incite to say "You know what, Chelsea? Show them they're wrong! Piss them off by LOSING weight, not by eating the whole damn bag of chips! Piss them off by going to the gym, when they think you can't do it... use their ignorance to power you on... prove it to them that you CAN do this!" Okay, I paraphrased a little bit, but that was the gist of it (thanks Beth!!!)

So starting today, I have been approaching this in a whole new way... Giving a big fat middle finger, if you will, to all those who have said mean things...to those who I was never good enough for... to those who think I'm a big fat failure and can't do this... go ahead and keep talking shit. It will only make me run faster, push myself, continue on in this fight.

I am doing a 180... no more consoling myself with chips and chocolate...no more telling myself that if 'so and so' would just support me I could do it...it's their fault I'm still fat! I made the chioices that got me to where I am, and now I am making the choice to get back to where I was! I know I can do this... alone if I have to. Thankfully there ARE some wonderful people in my life who ARE encouraging me, and I am so grateful for that. But there will always be "those people"... those who don't believe in me, those who think they're better than me, etc etc. But I don't care...they are not my crutch anymore... I won't give them the satisfaction of seeing me fail for the millionth time.

And on a bonus note... when I was at the gym today, I decided to run on the treadmill (which is not easy when you're fat!! :)  ) and I ran for over 4 minutes straight! I know, I know...to you healthy people that's nothing, but when you have an ass and thighs like mine, it's not easy!! :) And it will only get better... I used to run 4 miles a day, 5 days a week... it felt so GOOD to run today!

I am finding this battle easier and easier... the more I reflect on my reasons for being overweight, the more I realize I hold ALL the power to change it! Thanks for tuning in... more to come tomorrow :)

Weigh In #2

I started a little competition with a few gals from work two weeks ago. Granted, none of them have as much weight to lose as I do, but I figured it would be a great way to jump start my weight loss. We weigh in every Wednesday, and today I was down 5 pounds!!! Combined with my weight loss of 3.2 pounds last week I am at 8.2 pounds total.... Yaaaaaay!!

It feels like I have finally found the strength to do this... I have received incredible feedback and support, and this blog, or journal if you will, has truly felt like a weight loss in its own right.

It has allowed me to channel my thoughts, get things out that I have been holding deep inside, and be honest with myself (and others!)

I have to say, it felt fantastic to see progress on the scale, and I also feel like there is progress on my emotional scale as well... Just praying this strength continues!

Some people...

So, my saga continues... Today I have been thinking about all the people in my life who have hurt me, intentionally or not. Unfortunately I have always cared WAY too much about what people think of me, and I am convinced that this has only played into my struggle with weight and self-esteem. I had a father who was in and out of my life (but whom I now have a wonderful relationship with), boys teasing me in school, "friends" talking about me behind my back, and later in life people who just plain suck.

They are the people who don't believe in me... The few who, although I love dearly, have hurt me the most. I've been told all kinds of things... "No one will ever love you unless you lose weight" (which was hard to swallow at age 11), "You could lose the weight if you really wanted to", "Do you really need to eat that?", "You're going to work out today, right??", etc etc.

And while these things may not seem like much, and perhaps they even said then with good intentions, they hurt like hell! Did these people think I ENJOYED being fat?? That I LIKE feeling out of place and not good enough?? That I deliberately chose to be overweight? For people who have never struggled with weight, the concept of weight loss seems like a no-brainer... Stop eating so much and work out (duh!). But here's a newsflash.... It's not that simple! I can't speak for anyone else but I didn't just wake up one morning and decide to be fat. People that are overweight are that way for a reason... Because they are hurting, trying to fill an endless void in themselves with food.

I don't enjoy being stared at, I don't enjoy being judged, I don't enjoy shopping in the plus size section, I don't enjoy watching from the sidelines while my kids play in the water. But most of all, I don't enjoy being treated like I am less than, because of my size.

I wish people realized what an impact their mindless words have on others... Especially those of us who are insecure, and searching for approval. How dare they cast judgement on someone else, not knowing what that person is going through... If they only knew what overweight people feel like... Not a day goes by that I don't think about my weight... That I don't wish so bad that I was thin... That I don't mourn the loss of myself.

So to "those people".... I don't give a shit what you think. I AM good enough, I AM important, people WILL love me for who I am and not what I look like, I CAN lose the weight... And I don't need any of you telling me otherwise! I'm done with worrying what everyone else thinks... Time to worry about what I think. And I think I can do this...regardless of "some people."

Run fast for your mother....

I have to say, this morning I woke up with such a sense of excitement...exhilaration even, for my day to begin. Over the past few days I have opened myself up to people regarding my weight issues... I was terrified at first. I thought, "okay Chelsea...yes, people know you're fat, but do you really have to talk about it??" And the answer is YES!!
                                                                                                                      
The more my words flow past my lips (or fingertips), the more empowered I feel! I have struggled with this for far too long, and carried the burden of my embarrassment alone. BUT... I can't be ashamed anymore... I won't be... I am genuinely trying to change my life, and getting this shit out is therapeutic! (pardon my language!!)

So, I could not sleep last night, knowing that in the morning (today) I would be headed back to school to finish up my nursing education... I tossed and turned, paced, played Tower of Glass on my phone, then resumed tossing and turning. It was during one particular toss/turn that I decided I would hit the gym first thing in the morning before class. My alarm went off at the ungodly hour of 5:30 am and I rolled myself out of bed, ate a banana and some almonds, chugged some water, and out the door I went.

I went to the Y, and hopped on a treadmill, and the first song on my iPod was "Dog Days Are Over", which I loooove! And I don't know what happened...the part where she says "run fast for your mother, fast for your father, run for your children, for your sisters and brothers..." it was like an anthem in my head. That's what I am doing... I am running (okay, walking fast) for my family...as well as for myself! With each step I took, my determination grew and grew and grew.

Before I knew it, my workout was done, and I waltzed my way back outside listening to "Moves Like Jagger", while my ass bounced behind me, doing it's OWN moves like Jagger :)  But here's the kicker... I didn't care! I didn't care if anyone was gawking at my wobbly bits! I felt great! I got myself there, I endured the workout, and rest assured I will do it again! And again and again (and probably a billion more times).

So, to those of you who are supporting me, encouraging me, spurring me on, giving me tips, loving me despite my flaws, and standing beside me through this... THANK YOU! From the bottom of my heart, your words and actions mean more to me than anything. Thank you for allowing me to open up, and be honest about this.

In the words of Sean Hayes...."Ah yes, this is powerful stuff..."  This blog, this determination I have, this fantastic support, this whole concept of finding myself....this is powerful stuff. And I plan on using it! Thanks again, everyone :)

Day One

Well... Here I am... Laying my cards on the table. I am overweight, which although that is clearly visible, I have never wanted to really discuss with others. Honestly it's because I am ashamed. How in the world did I get here?? Don't get me wrong, I have struggled with weight my whole life... At the tender age of 14 I was a whopping 220 pounds!! But somehow, when I was about 16, the weight just started to peel off. Chalk it up to puberty, or a growth spurt, or being in love.... Whatever it was, I dropped down to a healthy 140 pounds. I knew I looked better, and yes, I felt better... Physically. But emotionally, I was still a mess. While my outward appearance showed a healthy, happy person, my heart was still hurting... I still looked in the mirror and saw that 220 pound teen who hated herself.

I got married at a very young age (17) and was thin at the time, but I never felt like it was enough. There was always someone prettier, thinner, and better than me. The pounds slowly crept back and when I got pregnant with my first child I lost control. I was put on bedrest for a short time and that was all I needed as an excuse to eat like crazy and never move! I gained a ridiculous amount of weight! After I had him, the weight just settled and made it's home.... On my ass! :). The same with the second and third pregnancies.

I have always been an emotional eater, and thankfully my life has been pretty shitty at times so I got to over eat a lot (and yes that's sarcasm). When life got hard, I ate. When I was sad, I ate. When I was pissed off, I ate.... And ate and ate and ate! I liked to blame it on everything and everyone but myself. Both my parents had cancer, my grandfather, uncle, aunt, and two very young cousins died, school was stressful, my husband made me mad, etc etc etc.

But here's the bottom line... This is my fault! I put every bit of food past my lips BY MYSELF! I made poor choices, I lacked in self control, and I lost who I was. The more overweight I got, the worse I felt, and in turn the more hopeless I felt. I thought "there is NO way I will ever lose this weight! I am destined to be fat! How can I possibly get back to that 140??"

But I am done. I am done making excuses. I am done eating my hurts, frustrations, and fears. I cannot live in this big fat shell anymore. You only get one life, and I am determined to make the most of it!!

I want to feel comfortable in my own skin, I want to wear the clothes I like, I want to go to the beach with my kids and be able to wear a swimsuit and actually play in the water with them, I want to walk into a room and not worry that everyone is noticing how fat I am. I want to have energy, and look forward to seeing people, rather than dreading it because I am so much bigger than the last time they saw me.

This is it, folks.... This is my journey to freedom. While being thin and healthy is wonderful and all, I am also hoping to really find myself again. I have felt lost for too long... I want to be me!

So, here I go... I am diving into the unknown... There are sure to be struggles, ups and downs, good days and bad days, but I am hoping and praying that I can finally conquer my deadly relationship with food. I can't live like this any longer... I am ready to fly!