Soooooo you probably all thought I had fallen off the face of the earth. Alas, I am still here, and still incredibly engulfed in this most insane battle, called weight loss (or lack thereof).
I knew from day one, times would come where I would hit a block, maybe even fall off the wagon for a bit (smother myself with the occasional jelly donut, eat too much ice cream, etc). Never could I have possibly imagined the depth of my insanity... Of my obsession.
You see, for those of you who have no issue with food... You simply eat it to survive, with the occasional indulgence... Well then you just can't possibly understand. The things that go through my mind, I swear, would be enough to get me sent to the looney bin! I knew there'd be days, weeks maybe even, but months??? Where in the hell have the past 4 months gone, and why am I still fat?!?
I'll tell you why... I have given up, in a sense. Don't get me wrong, I WILL continue fighting this battle, even of I have to do it forever (hopefully I won't!), but for right now, at this moment, I feel as though I am back to square one. I had lost 40 lbs, before I really truly hit a road block... But once I hit it, I let it take me down for the count.
Those of you who DO suffer this incredibly self-destructive, caustic relationship/battle with food as I do can probably relate to what I'm feeling. Example: hmmm, I just ate a candy bar, that was stupid! Get back on track, Chelsea! *3 hours later*. Well I already messed up my day with the candy bar, who cares if I have chips and dip now?!? *a week later*. Oh my gosh, I've gained 2 pounds!! I messed up big time now... Gimme a cheeseburger and fries, since I already failed! (and so on and so forth).
It's insane, I know! And for all you "normal people", I get it... I get that you think it's so simple. "Just eat less and exercise, Chelsea.". Yes... Thank you, for your words of enlightenment. Now, if you could only jump inside my head for 5 minutes and realize that the battle going on within me is far deeper than debating over a salad or 3 slices of pizza.
So, folks... I am admitting my defeat. But only temporarily. I KNEW putting myself out there would be absolutely humiliating if/when I failed. But you know what? I'm human. I make mistakes. I mess things up. I'm a creature of habit, who's good habits have apparently not yet won over the bad habits. But this isn't an epic fail. I'm not going to be fat forever. I can't. I simply cannot live this way forever.... It feels awful.
So,as mortified as I am, writing this and knowing that people may actually read it, I still have to put it out there. I need to keep reminding myself of what I HAVE accomplished, and what I still intend on accomplishing.
I guess I have realized that perhaps this whole thing may not happen according to my schedule (wanted to be at goal weight by May 10th, 2012). Is it possible? Absolutely! However, I am finding that balancing 3 young kids, full-time work, marriage, and full-time school, not to mention homework and housework, I don't have the time to dedicate to it that the biggest losers contestants do!
But I do have SOME time, and I need to get back to utilizing that wisely! My sister, who has successfully lost 120+ pounds (and kept it off!) keeps telling me "as soon as you simply realize that your obsessive thoughts of food are actually driven by a deeper meaning, and can be de-railed just like any other thought, you'll understand that you have the power to do the right thing". Basically, what she's saying is that I need to just realize that's all they are... Just thoughts. They don't NEED to be true, or come to fruition. I have the control over what thought to follow.
So if any of you needs a boost about yourself, and want to listen to my temporary failure to feel better about your own sotuation, feel free. :)
But I'm praying.... YES,lots of praying... That I can re-set my mind again, and start fresh. At least I haven't gained back the weight I lost, but I definitely haven't lost any. I have to remember that I KNOW how to do this. I know exactly what to do... I simply need to do it.
God help me... For real. I can't do this on my own... Obviously. Jesus, I need your grace.
