Soooooo you probably all thought I had fallen off the face of the earth. Alas, I am still here, and still incredibly engulfed in this most insane battle, called weight loss (or lack thereof).
I knew from day one, times would come where I would hit a block, maybe even fall off the wagon for a bit (smother myself with the occasional jelly donut, eat too much ice cream, etc). Never could I have possibly imagined the depth of my insanity... Of my obsession.
You see, for those of you who have no issue with food... You simply eat it to survive, with the occasional indulgence... Well then you just can't possibly understand. The things that go through my mind, I swear, would be enough to get me sent to the looney bin! I knew there'd be days, weeks maybe even, but months??? Where in the hell have the past 4 months gone, and why am I still fat?!?
I'll tell you why... I have given up, in a sense. Don't get me wrong, I WILL continue fighting this battle, even of I have to do it forever (hopefully I won't!), but for right now, at this moment, I feel as though I am back to square one. I had lost 40 lbs, before I really truly hit a road block... But once I hit it, I let it take me down for the count.
Those of you who DO suffer this incredibly self-destructive, caustic relationship/battle with food as I do can probably relate to what I'm feeling. Example: hmmm, I just ate a candy bar, that was stupid! Get back on track, Chelsea! *3 hours later*. Well I already messed up my day with the candy bar, who cares if I have chips and dip now?!? *a week later*. Oh my gosh, I've gained 2 pounds!! I messed up big time now... Gimme a cheeseburger and fries, since I already failed! (and so on and so forth).
It's insane, I know! And for all you "normal people", I get it... I get that you think it's so simple. "Just eat less and exercise, Chelsea.". Yes... Thank you, for your words of enlightenment. Now, if you could only jump inside my head for 5 minutes and realize that the battle going on within me is far deeper than debating over a salad or 3 slices of pizza.
So, folks... I am admitting my defeat. But only temporarily. I KNEW putting myself out there would be absolutely humiliating if/when I failed. But you know what? I'm human. I make mistakes. I mess things up. I'm a creature of habit, who's good habits have apparently not yet won over the bad habits. But this isn't an epic fail. I'm not going to be fat forever. I can't. I simply cannot live this way forever.... It feels awful.
So,as mortified as I am, writing this and knowing that people may actually read it, I still have to put it out there. I need to keep reminding myself of what I HAVE accomplished, and what I still intend on accomplishing.
I guess I have realized that perhaps this whole thing may not happen according to my schedule (wanted to be at goal weight by May 10th, 2012). Is it possible? Absolutely! However, I am finding that balancing 3 young kids, full-time work, marriage, and full-time school, not to mention homework and housework, I don't have the time to dedicate to it that the biggest losers contestants do!
But I do have SOME time, and I need to get back to utilizing that wisely! My sister, who has successfully lost 120+ pounds (and kept it off!) keeps telling me "as soon as you simply realize that your obsessive thoughts of food are actually driven by a deeper meaning, and can be de-railed just like any other thought, you'll understand that you have the power to do the right thing". Basically, what she's saying is that I need to just realize that's all they are... Just thoughts. They don't NEED to be true, or come to fruition. I have the control over what thought to follow.
So if any of you needs a boost about yourself, and want to listen to my temporary failure to feel better about your own sotuation, feel free. :)
But I'm praying.... YES,lots of praying... That I can re-set my mind again, and start fresh. At least I haven't gained back the weight I lost, but I definitely haven't lost any. I have to remember that I KNOW how to do this. I know exactly what to do... I simply need to do it.
God help me... For real. I can't do this on my own... Obviously. Jesus, I need your grace.
You're still doing better than me. I can't even be bothered to think about this stuff. I just keep up my eating, and not caring about it. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteOh Chel! First I want to say I am proud of you for recognizing the issue. Be careful not to be too hard on yourself. There is a fine line between motivating yourself with self talk and shaming yourself and beating yourself up. Make sure that you are not doing the later! The addition to food is so incredibly powerful and the issue of weight is so filled with shame. It is so find the balance between loving yourself where you are and hating the weight enough to do something about. I am SO RIGHT THERE WITH YOU!! We just have to turn the issue over you GOD, "MY SAVIOR HE CAN MOVE A MOUNTAIN"! And move forward one day, one meal, one challenge at a time with Him. Please let me know what I can do to help okay. I am fighting this same battle.
ReplyDeleteLots of love honey!
Jen <3
I have to say I completely relate to what you are saying. As I hit my 30 lbs mark everyone and their brother seemed to notice... which had me feeling good, but out of touch with my own feelings on the weight loss. It was as if it all became about them and not my personal goals. I decided to "maintain" through the holidays... which meant gain 10 lbs!... but when it came time to lose again, I had lost all control. No longer could I say no to sugar and I found myself eating out for lunch even by myself...
ReplyDeleteso yesterday I made a commitment to myself to take care of me. I will no longer be killing myself one treat at a time. I will forget about disappointing anyone or making them proud and run for me, and eat what makes me feel good. I know I can do this, and unlike 3 weeks ago I no longer will tell myself it is "easy" I will commit to it as a difficult goal worth accomplishing! Yesterday was tough, but I felt empowered laying down for bed knowing I did well. I will reward myself with the right rewards and I will get back on track!
You have my respect. And I would not, not even for one second, feel better about myself because you are going through the valley. As much as I obsess about my 9 lost and 6 to go I can't do anything but raise a hand in salute of your vulnerability and strength. As much as I feel judged about trying to hard/ not trying hard enough/ caring to much/ not caring enough I would never judge. The only thing that keeps me going some days is the idea that I could figure this out now or wait till I am 54 and regret that it took me so long. I feel as if I have wasted 5 or so years already not feeling like my best self and I would hate for that to turn into 20+. I quit POP Chelsea! On Dec. 5th! I have been crazy about pop since I was 15! I did not even quite when I was pregnant. Sometimes in my teens I had as many as 9 cans a day, lately only 2 but now 0!! And I am still not seeing much progress. I have been writing down (in a app.) EVERY thing I have eaten since Dec. it sucks but I need to see it, I have a very unrealistic view of how many calories are in things. I am even doing Zomba and I am so so bad at it they should ban me from the class. Dyslexia and no rhythm = sad moves. I also run to the Lord, I know He is the only one who really understands and He has a full understanding of my body and mind and only He knows what will really work for me long term. I will be praying for both of us. ((HUGS)) Amy
ReplyDeleteYou guys are fantastic! Thank you or your feedback. You truly have no idea what it means to me and how much it motivates me! Idosbt mean to sound too harsh on myself, but dear GOD it is hard not to get frustrated with myself for temporarily "giving up"! It's so maddening to make the realization that although I know exactly what to do and how to do it, to lose the weight, I'm ultimately still choosing not to (for whatever reason). I really am planning on a fresh start... Soon! I know I can do this, but it seems even more possible with wonderful people like you guys... Sharing your stories, tips, trials, low points, high points, etc. Thank you all, truly, with my whole heart!
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