Revelations

Wow.... I just remembered I have a blog, ha! One that I've neglected for just over a year.... Too long! But regardless of my lack of posts, I've still made progress. From when I started this blog... This journey, I am down nearly 60 pounds! And if I hadn't gained and lost and gained and lost so much weight I'd probably be at my goal by now! :-/

However, I can't think like that. I can't let myself dwell on what I view as failures.... Or it will swallow me whole. This blog was originally intended to be a new beginning for me. A new way of living. Finding myself again and losing weight. But SO much has happened since starting this, back in August 2011.

There have been so many highs and lows in my life. Things never go quite as planned, and I have experienced a lot of extremely difficult and painful events. I always thought that if I could just lose the weight then I would "find myself". But instead, I am realizing that as I find myself, the weight falls off. In other words, I didn't think I'd be happy unless/until I was thin. But you know what? That has very little to do with it.

I feel as though I am growing and learning new things, and through those revelations, I am becoming more and more myself again. And THEN.... The weight is slowly leaving me. Physically AND emotionally.

I am learning to no longer depend on others to make me happy. Not only will it always lead to disappoint for me, it's also not fair to them! I am trying so hard to improve myself.... I want to be a better mother, daughter, sister, friend, wife.... Life and all of its short comings have taken a toll on my marriage. But I am fighting... WE are fighting for it. I am realizing that I need to figure out what I can work on... What I can be doing to better myself and improve my relationships with people- my husband, my children, my friends.

What do I want? I want these revelations to stick with me. To be constant reminders of why I am fighting for a better me. Do I wish I was done with having to lose weight? Of course!! It's exhausting and frustrating and seemingly impossible. But I feel as though God is using it to represent so much more in my life. It's as if He is saying "My beloved daughter.... You are so special to me. Please just rest in Me. Rest in the knowledge that today, right now, thin or not, YOU are my pride and joy. So relax. Focus on what is important. Be there for your children, as I am here for you. And I will reward those efforts... You WILL conquer this vice. With My help. With My love. You have nothing to prove to anyone. Just be you. The woman I created you to be. And in that... In the midst of those revelations, struggles, and triumphs, I will be with you. And I will carry you to your destination."

Well, Lord.... Here I am. Absolutely humbled and knowing that I am a loser... Without You. Be my guide. Be my strength. Be my willpower and courage when I have none. Be my confidence when insecurity is choking me. Help me to know who I am in YOU first... Then who you want me to be in my roles as a wife and mother. So thankful that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."