So, my saga continues... Today I have been thinking about all the people in my life who have hurt me, intentionally or not. Unfortunately I have always cared WAY too much about what people think of me, and I am convinced that this has only played into my struggle with weight and self-esteem. I had a father who was in and out of my life (but whom I now have a wonderful relationship with), boys teasing me in school, "friends" talking about me behind my back, and later in life people who just plain suck.
They are the people who don't believe in me... The few who, although I love dearly, have hurt me the most. I've been told all kinds of things... "No one will ever love you unless you lose weight" (which was hard to swallow at age 11), "You could lose the weight if you really wanted to", "Do you really need to eat that?", "You're going to work out today, right??", etc etc.
And while these things may not seem like much, and perhaps they even said then with good intentions, they hurt like hell! Did these people think I ENJOYED being fat?? That I LIKE feeling out of place and not good enough?? That I deliberately chose to be overweight? For people who have never struggled with weight, the concept of weight loss seems like a no-brainer... Stop eating so much and work out (duh!). But here's a newsflash.... It's not that simple! I can't speak for anyone else but I didn't just wake up one morning and decide to be fat. People that are overweight are that way for a reason... Because they are hurting, trying to fill an endless void in themselves with food.
I don't enjoy being stared at, I don't enjoy being judged, I don't enjoy shopping in the plus size section, I don't enjoy watching from the sidelines while my kids play in the water. But most of all, I don't enjoy being treated like I am less than, because of my size.
I wish people realized what an impact their mindless words have on others... Especially those of us who are insecure, and searching for approval. How dare they cast judgement on someone else, not knowing what that person is going through... If they only knew what overweight people feel like... Not a day goes by that I don't think about my weight... That I don't wish so bad that I was thin... That I don't mourn the loss of myself.
So to "those people".... I don't give a shit what you think. I AM good enough, I AM important, people WILL love me for who I am and not what I look like, I CAN lose the weight... And I don't need any of you telling me otherwise! I'm done with worrying what everyone else thinks... Time to worry about what I think. And I think I can do this...regardless of "some people."
People are dumb, it's true. I can be dumb. After almost every conversation I have every have I make a list of all the things I should not have said, things that could have been said different, things I just hope they understood in spite of me. On the other hand it helps me forgive and let go of things people say. But it's still hard because some people are mean and mean to be mean. And I just don't know what to do with them. Toss them I guess. I think this is an important step, GOOD JOB!!
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