Well... Here I am... Laying my cards on the table. I am overweight, which although that is clearly visible, I have never wanted to really discuss with others. Honestly it's because I am ashamed. How in the world did I get here?? Don't get me wrong, I have struggled with weight my whole life... At the tender age of 14 I was a whopping 220 pounds!! But somehow, when I was about 16, the weight just started to peel off. Chalk it up to puberty, or a growth spurt, or being in love.... Whatever it was, I dropped down to a healthy 140 pounds. I knew I looked better, and yes, I felt better... Physically. But emotionally, I was still a mess. While my outward appearance showed a healthy, happy person, my heart was still hurting... I still looked in the mirror and saw that 220 pound teen who hated herself.
I got married at a very young age (17) and was thin at the time, but I never felt like it was enough. There was always someone prettier, thinner, and better than me. The pounds slowly crept back and when I got pregnant with my first child I lost control. I was put on bedrest for a short time and that was all I needed as an excuse to eat like crazy and never move! I gained a ridiculous amount of weight! After I had him, the weight just settled and made it's home.... On my ass! :). The same with the second and third pregnancies.
I have always been an emotional eater, and thankfully my life has been pretty shitty at times so I got to over eat a lot (and yes that's sarcasm). When life got hard, I ate. When I was sad, I ate. When I was pissed off, I ate.... And ate and ate and ate! I liked to blame it on everything and everyone but myself. Both my parents had cancer, my grandfather, uncle, aunt, and two very young cousins died, school was stressful, my husband made me mad, etc etc etc.
But here's the bottom line... This is my fault! I put every bit of food past my lips BY MYSELF! I made poor choices, I lacked in self control, and I lost who I was. The more overweight I got, the worse I felt, and in turn the more hopeless I felt. I thought "there is NO way I will ever lose this weight! I am destined to be fat! How can I possibly get back to that 140??"
But I am done. I am done making excuses. I am done eating my hurts, frustrations, and fears. I cannot live in this big fat shell anymore. You only get one life, and I am determined to make the most of it!!
I want to feel comfortable in my own skin, I want to wear the clothes I like, I want to go to the beach with my kids and be able to wear a swimsuit and actually play in the water with them, I want to walk into a room and not worry that everyone is noticing how fat I am. I want to have energy, and look forward to seeing people, rather than dreading it because I am so much bigger than the last time they saw me.
This is it, folks.... This is my journey to freedom. While being thin and healthy is wonderful and all, I am also hoping to really find myself again. I have felt lost for too long... I want to be me!
So, here I go... I am diving into the unknown... There are sure to be struggles, ups and downs, good days and bad days, but I am hoping and praying that I can finally conquer my deadly relationship with food. I can't live like this any longer... I am ready to fly!
LOVE it! The layout, the content, the honesty! I am glad you already know that it's more then just a number but as with all fixations it's a heart matter too, and I am proof of that. Like rich people can't get enough money and people with power can't get enough power. I think I want to go looking for contentment with my self too combined with some healthy food changes. And maybe ... maybe some exercise... (really think that should be a 4 letter word.)
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