180

One of the things I have always dealt with is being a people-pleaser. I want everyone else to be happy, even if that means my own unhappiness. Because of that urge to please others I have stifled a lot of things in my life...stuffed those feelings way down deep, with every bite of food.

I have always used their disproval as my excuse to eat... if someone is stupid enough to say "do you really need to eat those chips?", my response would be "your damn right I do...watch me eat the whole bag!" Now, obviously I didn't SAY that, but in my head I was thinking it... you think I can't lose weight, then you're right...and it's your fault I can't because you don't support me!

There has always been and will always be something or someone to blame it on... if I choose to do that. But a wonderful friend of mine had the incite to say "You know what, Chelsea? Show them they're wrong! Piss them off by LOSING weight, not by eating the whole damn bag of chips! Piss them off by going to the gym, when they think you can't do it... use their ignorance to power you on... prove it to them that you CAN do this!" Okay, I paraphrased a little bit, but that was the gist of it (thanks Beth!!!)

So starting today, I have been approaching this in a whole new way... Giving a big fat middle finger, if you will, to all those who have said mean things...to those who I was never good enough for... to those who think I'm a big fat failure and can't do this... go ahead and keep talking shit. It will only make me run faster, push myself, continue on in this fight.

I am doing a 180... no more consoling myself with chips and chocolate...no more telling myself that if 'so and so' would just support me I could do it...it's their fault I'm still fat! I made the chioices that got me to where I am, and now I am making the choice to get back to where I was! I know I can do this... alone if I have to. Thankfully there ARE some wonderful people in my life who ARE encouraging me, and I am so grateful for that. But there will always be "those people"... those who don't believe in me, those who think they're better than me, etc etc. But I don't care...they are not my crutch anymore... I won't give them the satisfaction of seeing me fail for the millionth time.

And on a bonus note... when I was at the gym today, I decided to run on the treadmill (which is not easy when you're fat!! :)  ) and I ran for over 4 minutes straight! I know, I know...to you healthy people that's nothing, but when you have an ass and thighs like mine, it's not easy!! :) And it will only get better... I used to run 4 miles a day, 5 days a week... it felt so GOOD to run today!

I am finding this battle easier and easier... the more I reflect on my reasons for being overweight, the more I realize I hold ALL the power to change it! Thanks for tuning in... more to come tomorrow :)