Revelations

Wow.... I just remembered I have a blog, ha! One that I've neglected for just over a year.... Too long! But regardless of my lack of posts, I've still made progress. From when I started this blog... This journey, I am down nearly 60 pounds! And if I hadn't gained and lost and gained and lost so much weight I'd probably be at my goal by now! :-/

However, I can't think like that. I can't let myself dwell on what I view as failures.... Or it will swallow me whole. This blog was originally intended to be a new beginning for me. A new way of living. Finding myself again and losing weight. But SO much has happened since starting this, back in August 2011.

There have been so many highs and lows in my life. Things never go quite as planned, and I have experienced a lot of extremely difficult and painful events. I always thought that if I could just lose the weight then I would "find myself". But instead, I am realizing that as I find myself, the weight falls off. In other words, I didn't think I'd be happy unless/until I was thin. But you know what? That has very little to do with it.

I feel as though I am growing and learning new things, and through those revelations, I am becoming more and more myself again. And THEN.... The weight is slowly leaving me. Physically AND emotionally.

I am learning to no longer depend on others to make me happy. Not only will it always lead to disappoint for me, it's also not fair to them! I am trying so hard to improve myself.... I want to be a better mother, daughter, sister, friend, wife.... Life and all of its short comings have taken a toll on my marriage. But I am fighting... WE are fighting for it. I am realizing that I need to figure out what I can work on... What I can be doing to better myself and improve my relationships with people- my husband, my children, my friends.

What do I want? I want these revelations to stick with me. To be constant reminders of why I am fighting for a better me. Do I wish I was done with having to lose weight? Of course!! It's exhausting and frustrating and seemingly impossible. But I feel as though God is using it to represent so much more in my life. It's as if He is saying "My beloved daughter.... You are so special to me. Please just rest in Me. Rest in the knowledge that today, right now, thin or not, YOU are my pride and joy. So relax. Focus on what is important. Be there for your children, as I am here for you. And I will reward those efforts... You WILL conquer this vice. With My help. With My love. You have nothing to prove to anyone. Just be you. The woman I created you to be. And in that... In the midst of those revelations, struggles, and triumphs, I will be with you. And I will carry you to your destination."

Well, Lord.... Here I am. Absolutely humbled and knowing that I am a loser... Without You. Be my guide. Be my strength. Be my willpower and courage when I have none. Be my confidence when insecurity is choking me. Help me to know who I am in YOU first... Then who you want me to be in my roles as a wife and mother. So thankful that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

Epic fail.... No, just an epic low point.

Soooooo you probably all thought I had fallen off the face of the earth. Alas, I am still here, and still incredibly engulfed in this most insane battle, called weight loss (or lack thereof).

I knew from day one, times would come where I would hit a block, maybe even fall off the wagon for a bit (smother myself with the occasional jelly donut, eat too much ice cream, etc). Never could I have possibly imagined the depth of my insanity... Of my obsession.

You see, for those of you who have no issue with food... You simply eat it to survive, with the occasional indulgence... Well then you just can't possibly understand. The things that go through my mind, I swear, would be enough to get me sent to the looney bin! I knew there'd be days, weeks maybe even, but months??? Where in the hell have the past 4 months gone, and why am I still fat?!?

I'll tell you why... I have given up, in a sense. Don't get me wrong, I WILL continue fighting this battle, even of I have to do it forever (hopefully I won't!), but for right now, at this moment, I feel as though I am back to square one. I had lost 40 lbs, before I really truly hit a road block... But once I hit it, I let it take me down for the count.

Those of you who DO suffer this incredibly self-destructive, caustic relationship/battle with food as I do can probably relate to what I'm feeling. Example: hmmm, I just ate a candy bar, that was stupid! Get back on track, Chelsea! *3 hours later*. Well I already messed up my day with the candy bar, who cares if I have chips and dip now?!? *a week later*. Oh my gosh, I've gained 2 pounds!! I messed up big time now... Gimme a cheeseburger and fries, since I already failed! (and so on and so forth).

It's insane, I know! And for all you "normal people", I get it... I get that you think it's so simple. "Just eat less and exercise, Chelsea.". Yes... Thank you, for your words of enlightenment. Now, if you could only jump inside my head for 5 minutes and realize that the battle going on within me is far deeper than debating over a salad or 3 slices of pizza.

So, folks... I am admitting my defeat. But only temporarily. I KNEW putting myself out there would be absolutely humiliating if/when I failed. But you know what? I'm human. I make mistakes. I mess things up. I'm a creature of habit, who's good habits have apparently not yet won over the bad habits. But this isn't an epic fail. I'm not going to be fat forever. I can't. I simply cannot live this way forever.... It feels awful.

So,as mortified as I am, writing this and knowing that people may actually read it, I still have to put it out there. I need to keep reminding myself of what I HAVE accomplished, and what I still intend on accomplishing.

I guess I have realized that perhaps this whole thing may not happen according to my schedule (wanted to be at goal weight by May 10th, 2012). Is it possible? Absolutely! However, I am finding that balancing 3 young kids, full-time work, marriage, and full-time school, not to mention homework and housework, I don't have the time to dedicate to it that the biggest losers contestants do!

But I do have SOME time, and I need to get back to utilizing that wisely! My sister, who has successfully lost 120+ pounds (and kept it off!) keeps telling me "as soon as you simply realize that your obsessive thoughts of food are actually driven by a deeper meaning, and can be de-railed just like any other thought, you'll understand that you have the power to do the right thing". Basically, what she's saying is that I need to just realize that's all they are... Just thoughts. They don't NEED to be true, or come to fruition. I have the control over what thought to follow.

So if any of you needs a boost about yourself, and want to listen to my temporary failure to feel better about your own sotuation, feel free. :)

But I'm praying.... YES,lots of praying... That I can re-set my mind again, and start fresh. At least I haven't gained back the weight I lost, but I definitely haven't lost any. I have to remember that I KNOW how to do this. I know exactly what to do... I simply need to do it.

God help me... For real. I can't do this on my own... Obviously. Jesus, I need your grace.

Come on motivation, don't fail me now!

Well, we started another competition at work last week... Same idea as before. For every pound we lose, we put $1 in the pot, as well as another $1 if we don't work out at least 3 times each week. Our weigh in is tomorrow, and for the first time I'm not looking forward to it. Not that I think I gained, I'm fairly certain I'm down, but not as much as I could have been.

Ever since I took a "leave of absense" from the gym I am having a really hard time finding that motivation again :(. When I first got my wisdom teeth out all I thought was "I can't wait to get back to the gym, I miss running!" And now that it's been like 3 weeks of laziness all I can think is "ugh, I can't bring myself to get there!"

I kind of feel like I'm starting from scratch again, although I am still losing weight. I just don't feel as good as I did when I was losing the weight AND working out.

So... Somehow I've got to regain my momentum... I still have a long way to go to reach my goal weight. I know I'll get there, it's only a matter of time, but it would be awesome to reach it by my goal date, which is graduation next year (mid-May).

Any tips, anyone? I'm just finding that my perseverance is waning in that area...

I'll post more soon, after my weigh in tomorrow!

Don't worry... No news is good news!

Wow... I knew I was behind in regards to posting on here but I guess I didn't realize how long it had really been!! Sorry, folks!

However, the lack of posts does not mean I'm not doing well :). In fact, things have been good! Last Wednesday, the 12th, I weighed in and passed the contest goal of 20 lbs... I had lost another 3.2 which put me over the 20 lb mark by .2 lbs... I won the money pot!! :). I have lost nearly 40 lbs now since having my daughter in May!!

I took the money that I won (for those of you that don't remember, a few of us at work were competing to lose 20 lbs, and putting money in a pot), and went straight to a masseuse. I spent it on a wonderful full body massage! And while I would normally never spend money on that, I have to say, it felt great! Not only the massage, but knowing how hard I worked for that money that paid for that massage made it feel even more incredible!

However, I HAVE been slacking, in a sense... I had my wisdom teeth out 3 weeks ago, then shortly after that another one of my teeth abscessed so I also ended up having a root canal... Needless to say, my workouts have come to an abrupt halt. Also, my left knee has really been bothering me... BUT I'm headed back to the gym today... Just praying my knee will hold out! It's been way too long... 3 whole weeks since I've worked out! :(

Also, we've started another contest at work, with a few others that wanted to join but missed the first one, so I need to get my ass back in gear! :)

Thanks for being patient with me in this journey... I'll try to get better at keeping you all updated...can't believe I'm over 1/3 towards my goal....woooooohooooo!!! Skinny Chelsea, here I come :)

Weigh-In #6

Ahg! I'm getting behind on this blog! Sorry folks...between family, work, school, and tons of homework this has unfortuantely taken the back burner lately.

So I had another weight-in last Wednesday (almost a week ago already). I was down 1.2 pounds which brings my total to 18 pounds. I have just about hit the first goal, which is 20 pounds...woohooo!!

Now, on the other hand...this week has been rough! I got my wisdom teeth pulled last Friday, and while I'm not able to really eat a whole lot, I am also not feeling up to working out.

So needless to say, I think this week's weigh-in is going to be a doozy! Between all my fluid retention (being that chicken noodle soup is about my diet this week), and not getting to the gym, I don't think I'll make it to my 20 pound mark this week :( 

I know, I know...excuses excuses, right?? Right! You're absolutely right! I should have easily been able to lose 2 more pounds this week, but I'm thinking that I probably won't have lost them by Wednesday morning.

However...this won't stop me, or even slow me down... once my mouth is on the mend, it's back to the gym for me!

I'll check in with you soon, and thanks for reading!

25%

So I started this weight loss competition 5 weeks ago with a few other girls I work with. At weigh-in today I was down 3 more pounds, for a total of 16.8! Only 3.2 more pounds and I'll hopefully win the money pot! :)

BUT, my journey definitely does not end there! I have a long way to go, but I'm making progress... After today's weigh-in I have officially lost 25% of my total weight that I intend to lose... In fact, I'm a little over 25% :).

I'm actually going by my start weight (after I had my baby in May, I started losing weight, prior to starting the competition).

I am on my way, slow and steady. Although this has definitely NOT been easy, it's also not been quite as difficult as I imagined it would be. With the encouragement from others along with my weekly progress on the scale, it is getting easier and easier to turn down temptation!

Yes, things still look diabolically delicious :). Yes, I still fight cravings, yes it's still hard to get up early every morning and hit the gym, BUT I'm doing it, thanks to everyone's support, and a little determination!

It's exciting! Not only because I am seeing the scale consistently move, but because I am hitting small goals along the way... This is the "thinnest" I have been in nearly 5 years!! And my clothes are starting to feel pretty loose, even fresh out of the dryer!! :)

I know this sounds cliche, but trust me... If I can do it, YOU can do it!! No one knows quite how incredibly strong my food addiction was, but I am overcoming it, one day at a time.

Thanks again, everyone, for your incredible support and positive feedback!

Weigh-In #5

I'm a few days late in posting this, seeing as my weigh-in days are on Wednesday, but life is busy!!

Anyway, I weighed in Wednesday morning and I was down another 3.6 lbs.... that makes for a total of 13.8 lbs so far!! I wish it was more, but hey... it's a good start, and supposedly a "healthy pace" to be losing the weight.

So this last week has been really challenging, but in a good way. The eating and working out has been going great, but I really wanted to figure out a good routine...switch things up, so to speak. I kind of got in a routine of doing the same exact thing every time I go to the gym. I'm guessing that's part of the reason why I had a plateau of no weight loss last week.

One of my ultimate goals is to run a marathon with my sister next June, since I should be at my goal weight by then. So I figured I would start my training now. I'm using a running guide that I found on the internet... first you train for a 5K, then 10K, then 1/2 marathon, etc.

I've been running quite a bit on the treadmill anyway, so hopefully the transition will be relatively easy. I started it last night...we'll see how it goes! :)

Either way, I am back in the swing of things...the weight is coming off again, and my strength is renewed.